My Mother

As some of you know, I have been going to a small group of women on Saturday mornings.  We are currently reading Captivating, by John and stasi Eldridge.  We are now on chapter 10.  This chapter was really a struggle for me.  This one is on the relationship with your mother or sister or friends.  I lost my mom in 2001, very suddenly.  I remember thinking as my sister and I were sitting in the chapel and veiwing her, that this was the last time I would see her.  To truely understand I want to share some things.  I am not bitter and I have forgiven her.  My mother grew up in a family of thirteen, they were not a close family. There was also issues that are really taboo for me to even mention.  But through all of this, my mother was not a close and loving person. Half the time I felt that she really did not love me.  I wondered why she even brought me into this world.  As an adult, I found my voice with my mother and I started standing up to her little games that she played,  this caused more of a distance between us.  She lived with us in 1999 and that just opened up more promblems for us.  After she moved out,  I would hear from her every six months or so.  In April of 2001,  my mother contacted me,   she had a new boyfriend and this boyfriend made me alittle nervous to say the least.  I remember the last words I spoke to her, “Mom, I want you to come and live with me.  You need to get away from Dennis.”  She rattled on about being happy and she loved him.  “Mom if you change your mind, my door is always open to you,  I love you.”  She told me she loved me too.  I remember thinking that this was the last conversation I was going to have with her.  My mother did not scoop me up in her arms and tell me that she loved me.  In fact, I think mom said I love you to me about five times.  I urned for her, I urned to know her, to tell her about me.  I wanted a relationship with her, she was so good to give herself to others, why could she not give herself to me.  So, in August of 2001, my mother’s sister called, she told Jeff that they found my mothers body.  As the week went on I found out more about this boyfriend of her’s.  But, that is taken care of.  My heart broke, I looked at my sister and brother.  We all had broken hearts by her, I was not the only on picking up pieces.  I have seen the distruction of a women, and I have seen the glory of a women.  But, as of August 21, 2001,  my relationship with my mother is gone.  I will never be able to know her, to grow with her, to have a relationship with her.  My heart breaks about this,  I am not bitter by what she said or even how she treated me.  I guess I am bitter that a women did not tend to her house while she was alive and now her children are trying to find life.  I am blessed for I have Jesus and everyday He takes my mothers spot.  But my sister and brother stumble and they try to find validation in money, sex and alchol.  They are so lost and I will pray for them.  So mothers, scoop up your daughter and tell them how much you delight in them.  Make the effert to know them and to love them.  You can be foolish and tear down your house with your own hands, Proverbs 14:1.  Or you can be wise and raise up your family, Proverbs 31.  That goes the same with your sons.  I choose to know my daughter and son and love them.  We am raising a women and man of love and virtue.  Thank you for letting me share this,  it really made me see her again and look at her with love and not resentment.  Love Tanya

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